Healing Anger and Violence in Our Society – Parenting
Healing Anger and Violence in Our Society
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. All this experience has resulted in the development of a profound six-step healing process, called Inner Bonding, which anyone can learn and use throughout the day FREE course available - see resource box.
The violence in Littleton, Colorado sparked many discussions regarding the cause of such horrifying behavior on the part of two teenage boys. I would like to address this in terms on Inner Bonding.
In my experience, it is not possible for us as human beings to be violent when we are connected to our true, core Self and to a source of spiritual guidance. When we do the work we need to do to develop a spiritually connected loving adult self, we have an inner adult who places limits on our behavior regarding harming ourselves and others.
However, it is very common in our society for people to lose touch with their true, core Self. Since our core Self holds our intrinsic feelings of compassion and empathy for others, losing touch with this aspect of ourselves may cause us to be able to harm others without feeling any pain or remorse over it. The question is, then, how do we lose our connection with our core Selves
Many child development experts state that those people who disconnect from their empathy and compassion, generally do so between the ages of two and four. If our parents lacked empathy and compassion for our feelings and needs, we might have chosen to be caretakers and take care of their needs, or we might have chosen to become like them and not care about others feelings and needs. We may have had no role modeling for maintaining our own inner connection. If our parents shut themselves down to our pain and their own, we may have learned to shut down to our own and others vulnerable feelings. If, in addition, we were physically, sexually, emotionally or verbally abused or neglected, we may have shut down to survive.
Some children, whose parents were shut down or abusive, manage to stay connected with their core Selves through contact with animals such as dogs or horses, while others stay connected through contact with relatives or friends with whom they identify. But many young children just disconnect to survive. When in this disconnected state, if they watch violence on TV or practice violence through video games, they may further train themselves to numb out against compassion, empathy, and the pain of harming others.
Likewise, if children grow up with no personal connection with a source of spiritual guidance, they may not know that we are all one, and they may not consider the possibility that the consequences of their actions may follow them into their lives after death.
Without connection with their core Self and their spiritual guidance, they are left with only their wounded selves. If they happen to be operating from an enraged wounded self, this self can certainly act out in angry and violent ways. With no loving inner Adult to set limits, the harm to themselves or others can be disastrous, as we have seen.
While limiting guns is certainly a good thing to do, it will not stop the violence. This violence will not stop until we no longer need to learn, as very young children, to barricade our hearts. As parents and teachers we need to be practicing a healing process such as Inner Bonding so that we can reclaim our core Selves and our deep connection with God. Only by doing our own inner work will we be able to be the loving role models that our children need. The change in our society must come from within each of us.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
"You Make Me Sick" and other things Parents Say in Anger – Parenting
"You Make Me Sick" and other things Parents Say in Anger
Patricia Gatto
Maryann is so focused shes blind. Shes slipped over the edge of responsibility and forgot the real reason she is working so hard. Its for her daughter.
Being a single parent isnt easy. Between working, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and homework, there isnt much time left in the day. Its a heavy burden to be the sole supporter of a young child. But when pressures and tensions are so great that harmful words spill out like bitter pills, isnt it time to stop and take inventory
"Clean your room or Im gonna kill you!" "If you dont do your homework right now, Ill break your neck!" "Just leave me alone, Ive had a rough day."
These statements came from a woman who loves her daughter and shes working hard to provide for her. If you asked Maryann, shed say she would do anything in the world for her child. But why cant she see that respectful communication conveys love more than a new pair of shoes ever will And why does she have to be reminded to treat her child with respect
Maryann isnt alone. Life is frustrating. Weve all heard parents, married, single or otherwise, speak to their children in anger. As adults, weve all rolled our eyes at the dramatic threats, knowing full well they have no intention of being carried out. But does a child know these are simply dumb words spoken in frustration Does a child know that the violent threats of bodily harm are hollow
Whether over the top displays of drama are blurted in anger, or merely used to snap a child to attention, the results are unhealthy and damaging.
When little Billy tells a classmate he is going to kill him over a broken crayon, where do you think he learned that response from And in todays climate, do you think anyone would consider it just an innocent statement from an innocent child Billy would be sent to the principals office on the spot. And if not, he would certainty be called down after the victim of his harsh words went home and told his parents and they reported it to the school.
What happens when your child gets a little older and has a real problem What if he needs to talk about drugs or alcohol Or she has a problem in school, or a question about boys Repeatedly belittling your child with angry words and intimidation will break down the barriers of communication long before you even reach this point. If you threaten to "kill" your child over a messy room, what would you do if she told you she was having sex
Anger has a way of creating very colorful and exaggerated statements. Parents and caregivers need to make a concerted effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary by controlling anger. Save the drama for a time when it is really needed. On occasion, shocking statements do have a place in parenting, but used on a daily basis, they will only sever to create fear or simply numb your child to your words.
Search your vocabulary; are you unintentionally damaging the relationship you have with your child Here are some steps to help you take control when you feel frustration and anger rise.
Take a deep breath, not from your chest, but pulling from your diaphragm. Slowly exhale. As you do this, picture your words evaporate into the air.
Lift your hand, palm out, in a stopping motion. This will indicate to your child that you need a moment and serve to remind you that you are stopping yourself from anger.
Calmly tell yourself to relax as you continue to breathe deeply.
Wait until you feel in control. When you speak, intentionally bring your voice down, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced level.
Then logically explain the reason for your anger to your child, voiding threats and harsh criticism.
Its okay to say you are disappointed or upset about a messy room or a bad grade, but focus on the problem and offer a solution or deliver a fair ultimatum.
If punishment is necessary, make it realistic. I dont know of a single parent that took away television privileges from their child for the rest of their life.
Follow through on your words.
If you do get angry, offer your child an apology, not an excuse. Take blame for your actions.
Closely examine the situation that triggered your anger. Was it really your child Is there an underlying factor If so, what can you do to correct the situation or avoid it in the future
Anger is a natural emotion. It cant be completely controlled or removed from our lives, but you can change the way you handle things. In doing so, you gain an invaluable gift, a respectful relationship with your child. Healthy communication is a parents weapon against the outside world. A child should turn to his parent in times of trouble, not run away in fear.
About The Author
Patricia Gatto and John De Angelis are the authors of MILTONS DILEMMA, the tale of a lonely boys magical journey to friendship and self-acceptance. As advocates for literacy and childrens rights, the authors speak at schools and community events to foster awareness and provide children with a safe and healthy learning environment. For more information, please visit Joyful Productions at http://www.joyfulproductions.com
pgatto@ptd.net
Change Your Inner Conversations to Control Your Anger – Stress Management
Change Your Inner Conversations to Control Your Anger
Dr. Tony Fiore
Every Holiday season Vicki found herself angry and silently seething at her older sister, Susie, and mother as they were merrily chatting about Susie