Your period is late and you start to think maybe you might be pregnant. Maybe you are afraid to go take a test because you dont want to find out the results. You may be asking yourself "how could this happen" If you find yourself pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy all kinds of emotions may run through your mind. Perhaps you are secretly excited about this but scared to tell your husband. Maybe you are not married and scared about facing motherhood alone. Maybe you do not want any more children and the prospect of having another baby is the worst thing you could imagine right now. There are many scenarios that lead up to unplanned pregnancies. Mistakes in judgment happen, condoms break, birth control pills fail, even tubal ligations and vasectomies fail.
Once you get over the initial shock of finding out that you are pregnant you will have some tough decisions to face. Do you want to carry this pregnancy, how are you going to tell your friends and family, how are you going to handle the emotions and pressures that people will put on you. The first thing you should do is try not to panic. Although this may seem like an extreme emergency, in reality you have time to make a decision. Try to take some time to collect yourself and think about your options. You will not be the first mom to not be excited about the news of a new baby. Try not to beat yourself up. Take responsibility for your actions but wallowing in guilt is not going to help the situation. Before you talk to anyone about your decision take some time to decide what you want to do. If you want to keep this baby, have an abortion, or consider an adoption that is your decision and talking to someone about the situation may cloud your judgment. Yes your partner should probably be involved in the decision-making, ultimately; you are the one that is going to have to live with your choices. Try to make some plans in your head for what you would like to do before you talk to anyone.
After you have had time to think about things and to collect yourself, you may want to get some counsel from friends, family or maybe a minister. Find someone that you know will be supportive of your decision to confide in. You need to have support during this time. You dont want to be surrounded by people that are going to beat you down for your mistake or pressure you into doing what they want. Surround yourself with a support group. If you have no one to turn to you can seek help from support groups geared for this situation. If you do not plan to have an abortion, you may want to steer away from groups that endorse this and perhaps find a faith based support group.
Eventually you are going to have to tell some people. You dont have to tell everyone and you can tell people about this in your own time. Your partner may not be the first person you want to tell and thats okay. When you are ready find a time to sit down and talk to him. The longer you go without telling him the harder it will be. Sometimes it is easier to tell him earlier and let him adjust to the situation than it is to wait and have him angry for not telling him sooner. Either way if you think that he will be unhappy it is going to be hard to tell him the news. Prepare yourself for the reactions and when you are ready just tell him. There are no right words to say. Try to avoid blaming or taking the blame. This situation doesnt happen with only one person involved. It is not all your fault or all his fault. It is a shared responsibility that the two of you will have to deal with.
If your partner, friends and family are not initially supportive thats okay. It is not their life or their pregnancy. They are not the ones who have to live with your decision. You are. Try not to let unwanted comments get to you. You can use humor to lighten the mood. If you are excited about this and they are not, then share your excitement. You can use I statements to let them know how you feel. If others fail to respect your decision and do not have anything positive to offer, you might want to simply explain that the discussion is off limits and refuse to talk about it with them. Whatever your choice may be, in the end it is your decision.
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About The Author
Patty Hone is a wife and mommy to three kids. She is also the owner of Justmommies.com. Justmommies is an online community for mommies to make friends and find support. Please visit Justmommies at http://www.justmommies.com
email@justmommies.com

I just got through reading some troubling news in the New York Times this morning.
62% of employees now say that work-related stress leaves them overwhelmed and overtired.
And for many of us, who bring work home from the office, the problem is even worse.
So what

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or whether it was expected or not, you will find yourself having to deal with a great number of people. Some you will know closely, others may be complete strangers; all will be claiming some kind of relationship to the deceased.
Whilst grieving for your loved one you may find yourself not wanting contact with anybody other than those to whom you are closest. Having to deal with so many people can be very difficult so its important to understand how to handle them.
Relatives and Close Friends
Those who were close to the deceased need to be contacted before the funeral. When you break the news, remember that they will also need the chance to express their grief and this must be respected, no matter how deeply distressed you are feeling yourself.
Sometimes it can be difficult, if not impossible, to trace certain family members. Dont feel guilty if youve not been able to contact all of them.
Some of those who youll need to contact may be people who you do not know personally. If they come to the funeral and you have not been able to speak to them properly it would be a good idea to write or telephone them later, to thank them for attending.
The Small Funeral
Perhaps you have decided on a small funeral, either through your own personal preference or because the deceased made their own preference clear. Perhaps the financial side of the funeral will force you into this decision. Make the decision clear and stick to it.
You may find that some friends or relatives insist on attending even after youve explained this to them. Be polite but firm. Explain that you appreciate their wish to attend, but that it is a family decision to enforce such a restriction. If they still insist, they are simply being insensitive and you may have to take a different approach. You might tell them that the date of the funeral has not yet been decided and leave things at that. Whatever you do, dont allow anyone to emotionally blackmail you into changing your decision. And dont feel guilty if you need to lie. They are being insensitive, and you are simply trying to deal with matters as best you can.
Polite Conversation
Unless the funeral is very small it will probably be impossible for you to speak to all of the attendees. Dont even try. Most people will understand that you are not going to feel like making polite conversation. You will find that those will any degree of sensitivity will simply approach you, kiss your cheek/shake your hand and offer their condolences. They will not expect more than you are able to offer.
The Wake
Most people organize some form of refreshment after the funeral. This can be a good way of accepting condolences from those you were unable to speak with during the actual service. By offering refreshments you are showing that you are willing to share your grief with those who are also suffering through their own loss.
Enlist the help of a friend or two. You may feel that you will be able to cope but having support close by will be very helpful should you find that you are feeling too upset to appear.
The Will
Its an unfortunate fact that funerals can often bring out the worst in people. Some of the most long-lasting family arguments have started at a funeral, with squabbles over who should get what. You may find yourself surprised at just who is able to throw themselves into such arguments, even though they are in the midst of their own grief.
You may find yourself being quizzed at the graveside. People can be very clever in their approach, offering condolences and then adding the innocent question of what the deceased has left to whom. You may also find yourself the target of malicious comments regarding your improved financial situation. There can be more hidden rivalry within families than most would imagine.
You mustnt allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Simply pretend to ignore any unwanted comments and questions. If they persist, explain that you are far too upset to think about such matters at the moment and that if theyve been mentioned in the will then they will be contacted in due course.
In the case of a will never having been made and where there is any disagreement regarding who has the right to what, explain that you will appoint a solicitor to handle the estate and explain, as above, that they will be contacted in due course.
The Following Days
Some people find themselves terribly alone in the days following the funeral, whereas others feel that they never have any time to themselves to grieve. Remember that others cannot read your mind anymore than you can read theirs, theyre simply doing what they believe to be right.
If they choose to stay away, they are probably doing so out of respect for your privacy. If they choose to spend as much time as possible with you, this will be because they fear for your ability to cope alone. Explain to them what your needs are. If you need people around you, phone some friends and ask them to visit. If you need to be alone, explain this politely and ask if you may phone them should you need their company. Youll find that most people are very accommodating as long as they understand your needs.
The loss of a loved one is never easy and nobody will ever expect it to be. For some the funeral seems to pass as just a hazy memory, leaving a feeling of guilt at not remembering the details of this last farewell. Remember that its the memories you have of the person when alive that are important, and its these that will remain clear to you in the future. During deep grief it can be very difficult to grasp details of whats happening but this does not mean you didnt care. Quite the opposite in fact.

About The Author

Sharon grew up in East London but moved to Norway at the age of 19, returning to England in 1998. She now lives in Cheshire with her partner and two of her three children. Besides writing, she is currently studying Social Science with The Open University, runs a web site where women in the UK can meet other women for platonic friendship www.friendsyourway.co.uk, potters in her garden, knits and reads everything she comes over.
s.jacobsen@friendsyourway.co.uk

The Emotions
Divorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for most people, particularly when there are children involved. The mutual friends enjoyed during the marriage may not be of help because those individuals may not want to "pick a side." A divorce will introduce you to an entirely new balancing act.
The Effect on Productivity at Work
You must be conscious of how the divorce process affects your ability to function on your job. There may be occasions when you will feel overwhelmed by a typical days workload. On such occasions, you may wish to apportion work in terms of what you can handle.
You may at times find yourself uncharacteristically testy and acerbic to friends and colleagues, uncommunicative, depressed, and distracted. You should try to be alert to these personality and mood changes and work with a counselor to solve them. At times this may involve temporarily modifying project responsibilities or adjusting assignments until you achieve a level of equanimity. On still other days, you may not be able to cope with the workplace or home environment at all, no matter how light the workload. When this happens, it may be prudent to request a brief personal leave. If your behavior and interaction cannot be altered through temporary changes, you may need to seek professional counseling during this stressful period.
Keep in mind that while going through a divorce you will face numerous demands on your time: meetings with an attorney, accountant and counselor, possibly locating a new residence and furnishing it and establishing new lines of credit. Plan ahead where possible for these contingencies by asking your employer for projects that do not have a tight deadline. Flexible working arrangements, such as job-sharing, or the opportunity to compensate for lost time by working in the evening or on weekends, are other possibilities.
You should not let others treat you as an emotional cripple. You are probably already experiencing feelings of helplessness and an inability to control your life. By being overprotective and shielding you from the daily realities of the workplace or running interference with fellow employees or clients, the employer may only exacerbate those feelings. Work may be the only place you can achieve a sense of self-worth and personal strength during this difficult period.
The Process
Some people winding their way through the divorce process may experience fatalistic or, conversely, unreasonably hopeful feelings, and may rely on divorce process myths that further complicate the situation for example, a belief that the system is entirely gender biased. Unfortunately, the legal process is not designed to address emotional issues for the participants. Although there are milestones, such as filing the initial documents, there are no true emotional releases. Even the finalizing of a divorce is a bittersweet experience and is likely to feel like a letdown. No one truly wins in a divorce because the estate is always divided and both individuals have fewer assets than prior to the divorce. Unfortunately, the legal process is often one of attrition. The time and expense of the legal process often dictates the results as one of the parties can no longer afford the resources or the time to continue to dispute issues.
The many difficult aspects of the legal process often cause frustration and result in increased anger and hurt. In combination with the plethora of negative emotions which led to the divorce in the first place, one facing a divorce may turn to revenge as a primary motivation and extend the divorce proceeding to hurt the other spouse. On the other hand, a spouse may prolong the divorce process in the hope that reconciliation might occur.
The Solutions
Mediation may be the best answer. If you and your spouse can still communicate and have some common ground, mediation may be the most economical, efficient, and effective way to resolve the issues in the divorce. The mediator must be well trained and be competent in the area of family law. You should consult with an attorney before and after the mediation to be properly advised on negotiation of the issues and on whether the final result is a comprehensive solution.
You may need guidance in selecting an attorney. Your union, company corporate attorney or human resource department may be a source of names. The attorney should be practicing primarily, if not exclusively, in the area of family law the area has become too complicated to be effectively handled by the generalist. The attorney should have the most current research software and resources available within the office Lexis and FinPlan Divorce Planner are good examples. Competence, comfort and convenience are three primary considerations in selecting the attorney. Evaluate whether the attorney has a plan which will properly allocate resources to achieve realistic and wise goals.
You should be cognizant of the importance of limiting conversation with the attorney to the nuts and bolts and not try to convince the lawyer that the soon to be ex-spouse is a less than admirable human being; thats for a counselor. It will also save time and resources for an already stretched budget. Also, one should not fear asking another attorney for a second opinion at any point in the process. It is no more improper than having a doctor provide a second opinion on a serious medical condition.
The divorce process is time consuming in even the simplest cases and will make demands upon your schedule. Because the courts and your attorney are probably working the same schedule as you are, it is probable that some absences and interruptions of work will be unavoidable. Court dates, especially, are not optional. Advise your employer immediately of any court dates, as those occasions may require an absence from work for at least one half day. When you provide documentation regarding income or other employment information, keep in mind that the courts have strict guidelines and time limits. Promptly providing the necessary information is essential.
Lastly, as an attorney, I remind my clients that the legal process of divorce is basically to divide assets, arrange custody, establish support, and address insurance and debts among other issues. It is not the last argument or the final revenge. While the attorney can assist a person going through the divorce process on the legal matters, emotional help is more appropriately available from close friends or professional counselors.
Please contact me if I can ever be of assistance in answering a question about legal representation in the divorce process.

About The Author

Charles Goldstein practices family law in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is committed to providing accessible, effective and reasonably priced family law litigation and mediation services. For a free telephone consultation, call 952.449.5299. http://www.fmlylaw.com